THE NAKED TODDLER

You are not the only one.  We all feel like we could have handled something better sometimes.  We yell at our children when we are mad at our husbands or we are impatient when our two-year-old wants to walk everywhere - but usually in the wrong direction.  When my guys were little, pretty much anytime between 4 and 7 pm, you might find a tired and grouchy mom.  How can it be that those three hours can seem like 24?!  There is a reason some call it the “arsenic hour.”

I was talking to some friends recently and one mentioned that today’s mothers would not think of taking their baby out of their carseat while someone was driving. They also seem pretty strict about kids sitting in the backseat until the proper age and weight.  I applaud them. I actually think young women are better Moms than my generation in a lot of ways. They seem to insist on healthy food (we were regulars on the Happy Meal train), they consider everything, like vaccinations, much more carefully than we did. I shouldn’t speak for everyone but I think I was pretty loose.  So, in this group discussion I confessed, I had even nursed one of my babies while I was driving! Scares me now to think of that.  But I guess it seemed to make sense at the time …or I was desperate!

Crazy things just happen sometimes.  My friend, Ann, told me the following story about her daughter
Cassie. When Cassie was about 2, she had a terrible time with ear infections. I can relate – we had “pink medicine” in our fridge for a solid 5 years. Possibly worse than the pain, Cassie would projectile vomit from the discomfort.  One day Cassie was safely strapped into her carseat behind her Mom and they were traveling down Monument Avenue in Richmond, Virginia.  This is the fanciest street in town and true to its name, every couple of blocks there is a monument in the middle of the street with a grassy area surrounding it.  Out of the blue, little Cassie says, “Mommy, I don’t feel good.” Before Ann has time to react, you guessed it – Cassie throws up all over the back of Ann’s head!  In shock, Ann pulls right up onto the curb of a monument. Obviously the monument area is not designed for visitor parking. Ann gets Cassie out of the car and right there, with Major General J.E.B. Stuart peering down from his horse, strips her daughter naked. She takes off her own sweater and does her best to wipe poor little Cassie down. She can’t quite think about the vomit lodged in her hair.  Then guess who pulls up – a policeman.  He asks what is going on and is not amused by a vomit covered Mom and a toddler in her birthday suit! Ann pops naked Cassie into her carseat and heads for home.

Bottom line: Give yourself a break. Especially during the holidays, when there are just not enough hours in the day, try to build in coffee time with a friend or just ten minutes to sit in a quiet room…. without your phone. Love on your kids and just do the best you can.  And call on God for strength, patience and a sense of humor.

I know this is for Easter and not Christmas but naked baby bottoms are cute any time of year!

WHAT A "GOOD" BABY

I spent the afternoon with a new mom of a precious 10-week-old baby girl.  She shared with me that ever since the baby was born, she (the mom) had been having a bit of anxiety.  Nothing terrible.  She was just feeling that when the baby got fussy in public, it made her and her husband (but more her) feel uncomfortable.  She said that she could feel her cheeks getting red whenever the baby started to be unhappy. She knew it was silly and that babies just fuss – that’s the way it is but still…..  I tried to assure her that it would get better with time as she got used to new situations with her baby in tow.

I remember a time when we were scheduled for an early flight home from a visit to my mother-in-law’s. The flight was delayed several hours due to bad weather.  Time in an airport with a bunch of kids can be an adventure like the time the boys lined up in front of a TV in a sports bar to watch the World Cup or more typically it can be a nightmare. William was a baby and he was making quite a fuss and tugging on his ear.  Ugh.  An ear infection probably.  My husband and I decided a walk-in clinic might be a good idea, especially since I had a few hours to kill.  The doctor confirmed our suspicions and advised us not to take William on a plane for several days.  We quickly decided Jay would fly with the other three boys home and William and I would hang out for a few more days.  I called my mother-in-law.  She had already changed the sheets and was not excited about us reappearing.  We crashed with our friends, and actually had a fun little extension to our vacation.  As those of you with multiple children will understand, taking care of just one seems like a piece of cake.

So, a few days later, I was heading to the airport once again, with William.  We got on the plane and sat next to a gentleman who happened to be blind (read: heightened sense of hearing).  We took off and so did William! Obviously his ear infection was not yet completely cleared up and he let everyone know he was in pain!  My seatmate actually said to me: "If I paid you, could you get him to quiet down."  I burst into tears.  That was not very helpful, except the man felt bad and said he had been kidding.  I was very glad to get home and swore I was never flying again.

Back to my young mom friend – her family had just taken a long plane flight and their little girl was an angel.  Everyone admired her beauty and said what a “good baby” she was -because she slept. Yes, that is preferable but probably more the exception than the rule.  What I try to remember is that many of these adults are parents and they have been there and they understand.  I also do the best I can and pray that will be good enough. I think this new mom also just wants everyone to know how incredible her baby is, to always see her in the best light – we can all relate to that.

In her own words, the young Mommy told me this:

“I feel like a happy and/or sleeping baby is the only baby strangers want to be around. When she's being sweet and quiet, she's a "good" baby. Everyone loves her. When she had a "blowout" (poop went out her diaper and through her clothes) in the airport between our international and connecting she screamed her head off in the restroom. And I heard someone say, "Oh boy...that baby's having a tough time..." And I felt crummy about it. Like she was a "bad" baby. But my baby sleeping on the connecting flight was a "good" baby. I don't think that's fair! She's a good baby even when she's "having a tough time."

Before little ones can talk, it is impossible to know what is bothering them.  You get better at it with practice for sure.  You also come to learn what soothes them at each stage. When one of ours had a bad, fussy day, we called it a “growing day” – it made us feel better that our little one was doing something productive, stretching and learning new stuff, even if we were exhausted from all that “growing.”

Bottom line: Breathe, Moms.  It is going to be just fine. Most people are just glad that fussy baby is yours and they don’t have to get up and take a walk or rock back and forth until the little one closes her eyes and sleeps - like a baby. 

CHRISTMAS IDEAS

If you are anything like me, and you are reading this two weeks before Christmas, you will agree it is time for a bullet point blog. OK, here you go:

~the absolute best idea I’ve heard in years is to give the kids 4 gifts:

Something they WANT

Something they NEED

Something to WEAR

Something to READ

I SO wish I had done this instead of the dreaded night before thought: It doesn’t look like much – did we get enough??  And then when it is all over, feeling a bit nauseous from the excess and the thought of those who don’t have enough to eat. I’m trying the four things this year with my grown children!

MEALTIME

~one of the best Christmas dinners for the harried Mom – you (or better yet try to move into DAD’s famous turkey!!) take care of the turkey and dressing – my boys loved Pepperidge Farm with nothing added (thank you, God) and then get all the sides in reheatable tins from your local grocer or whoever will do a good job for a decent price.  It is all those darn sides that take forever and make a huge mess. It will make that holiday meal actually fun!

~speaking of Christmas dinner, when the kids are older, give everyone a job and then one thing will gradually become their own, i.e. “David’s famous mashed potatoes.” “Linda’s famous tomato pudding.” etc.  (This "famous" thing seems to be a pattern!)  If they are making something they love, they will have fun doing it.  Then you and Dad eat everything with gusto (no matter what it tastes like or looks like).

~the hard and fast rule at my house: If you make the meal, you don’t have to clean up! YAY!!  If you are the only one cooking – step out of the kitchen for the clean up.  Although you may have to sneak back in later to give it the way-you-like-it final touches, try not to complain at the abilities of the cleaner-uppers. Or when others are doing the meal, when the cooking is going on (Daddy bonding time), sit somewhere quietly with your glass of wine and enjoy the peace. Then don’t complain about the cleaning up – it will be worth it.  BEWARE: there are those – usually the youngest! – who are savvy enough to know just how much to contribute to the cooking, to make it “count,” so he or she won’t have to clean up :) 

GIFTS

~completely stumped on a present for someone?  Here are some ideas:

-my favorite one-year-old present – Fisher-Price See ‘n Say – a classic that is perfect for this age – by the time they are two they can easily perform every animal sound to the delight of anyone who will watch!  http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=29880566&cp=&parentPage=search

-my favorite 2-year-old present – sounds weird but a set of keys!  Go to the local locksmith and ask for some old keys that are duds, soak them in soapy water, add a couple of fun keychains and voila: hours of entertainment.

-my favorite 3-year-old present – anything that flips over – we had a bunny – shrieks of joy every single time.  Hallmark might be the spot for this category.

-any teenager - money origami (a dress, a shirt with a tie, a butterfly, a heart, etc.)  – youtube it – so much more fun for you…and the receiver, than a bill in an envelope – then you can show them how to do it – even better.

-hard-to-buy-for male relative – variation of above idea – an origami money tree.  Get a small artificial Christmas tree, get as much money as you want to give – 10 ones, hide a fiver in there, etc., make some little fans out of the bills and use pipe cleaners to attach them to the limbs.  Kids can help you! My brother-in-law LOVED his and swears he will never undo it, as he is saving it in case of emergency.

-hard-to-buy for female relative – everyone seems to love an orchid. I love them too – at least until they lose all their blooms – then I give them to my neighbor (she seems to have the touch that I don’t have). I’m sure you know the trick to watering an orchid – 3 ice cubes per week (or is it 2?).

-for a sweet, faithful sister in Christ – definitely Jesus Calling if she doesn’t have it or the amazing life-changing One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp  http://amzn.to/1OZ1seK

*And lastly the easy homemade chocolate sauce you can give just about anyone.  A jar with a ribbon is great for a neighbor or make it fancy with an ice cream scooper attached.  If you know the recipient will be home when you deliver, you can add a gallon of yummy (store-bought) vanilla ice cream.

Laura’s Famous (haha) Ridiculously Easy Chocolate Sauce

1 ½ sticks of butter

12 ounces of chocolate chips (I think Hershey’s or Ghiradelli are the best for this)

¾ cup walnuts or pecans, coarsely chopped

In a small saucepan, melt butter and chips over low heat; stirring occasionally. A double boiler works even better. When smooth, remove from heat, stir in nuts and set aside to cool completely. Ladle in clean glass jars. Makes 2 cups. Sauce will harden over ice cream.

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A DISAPPOINTED CHILD

Have you ever been in the situation where you are happy as a lark, you are “in the green” – meaning the grass is not greener on the other side because you are on the side where the grass is beautifully green; you are feeling good about your friends and family, your worries are temporarily buried? Then…your child comes up to you from the playground or your older child gets in the car or off the bus from school and someone has been mean to them, or maybe they got reprimanded by the teacher or they failed their spelling test (after ALL that work with you the day before!). You are instantly, not only out of the green, you are flat out miserable, depressed and can’t even see the light at the end of the tunnel.  You should pray immediately but you are kind of mad at God for letting this happen in the first place.

Our oldest son, John, was just finishing fifth grade at our precious little school down the street where the teachers were nurturing and Moms hung out half the morning just chatting at dropoff (think Montessori-ish). John had gotten his usual report card of straight A’s. I secretly thought this sweet school only gave out A’s. Anyway, John didn’t seem particularly challenged and he mentioned an interest in trying the local public school for the “gifted.” We had him tested; he qualified; so John became a big sixth grader at a new school.  The kids in his class had been together since the 2nd grade and they were not excited about accepting a new, gawky 12-year-old into their tight knit group.  One lunch period, the group of boys John had joined for lunch proposed the idea of spending the rest of the period playing basketball. Some unthinking, unmannered boy said, “Whoever doesn’t want John to play with us, raise your hand.” You guessed it…every hand went up.  I still tear up even though John is 33 years old now and is happy as a clam, loving life to the fullest.  I wanted to either call this boy’s mother and give her a piece of my mind or I wanted to slip a little arsenic into this little meanie’s sloppy joe. The funny thing is that I was a lot more bothered than John.  He kind of blew it off and moved on - while I simmered.

Years before, I had gone to the boys’ preschool to hear a psychologist speak and he said something that I’ve thought of a million times since.  He said, “…many of your children live in a pretty great world. They don’t have many disappointments to deal with, which robs them of the opportunity to learn to deal with bad things happening.” And here’s the kicker, “If your child doesn’t have much to be disappointed about, you should even go so far as to engineer disappointments.” He also relayed that his theory was that teenaged suicide largely comes from a teenager meeting a disappointment (a break up, a failure at sports or school) and can’t see to the other side – he feels helpless in his circumstances and makes a tragic choice. Here is the point of my sad tale: John learned a lot that sad day. He learned that people can be mean, that life doesn’t always go the way we would want it to but we can learn to deal with it. He learned that life goes on and given a little time, things will be OK again. I learned it too.

This should make you feel better about saying no sometimes. When your child pitches a fit over not getting a candy bar at the checkout line (did he forget the sugar cookie with sprinkles he just scarfed down?) just think – this is good practice for my little one.  Of course, you will have to endure the stares of other shoppers, but if you stick to your guns, your child will know pitching a fit didn’t work and maybe think it is too much trouble to try that tactic again. Bottom line: Your children NEED to be disappointed sometimes, because they need to learn to cope with bad things happening in order to become a healthy, happy adult. Try really hard not to be that parent that fixes everything before their child gives it a try. One last point, when you feel that your head is going to pop off or you just want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over your head, try to say to yourself, “This seems catastrophic right now but as hard as it is, I am going to wait 24 hours before I panic.” Chances are things will look a whole lot better when the next day rolls around.  

Me.John.Jay

A wedding! John is standing next to his Dad.

KIDS AND CHRISTMAS CASH

One of the hardest things about being a mother is to have the energy to be creative. I know our boys were much more likely to be engaged if we could make the activity fun.  Even cleaning their rooms or eating their vegetables (never had much luck with that one!) could be turned into a game. You may do clever things you don’t even notice: “Hey, let’s see how fast you can run to the mailbox and get the mail…quick….I’ll time you!”  Although I am not big on paying children to do things, I’m am not above a little incentive sometimes.

When the boys were pretty young, we came up with a fun challenge that ended up having great long lasting results. Here is how it worked. From Thanksgiving to Christmas (like right now!), we had a little role playing at home about how to introduce yourself.  This would include a nice firm (but not bone crushing!) handshake and most important – eye contact. Then we told the boys that for every person they introduced themselves to, using all these important elements, they would earn a quarter. Of course, you might have to adjust for the youngest ones like, “Hi, I’m William!” might count. Then, right before Christmas, they would use that money to buy Christmas presents for the whole family. No saving allowed – you don’t want them to cheap-out on presents and keep the loot for themselves. Naturally, the most fertile money making ground was coffee hour at church.  The little old ladies were thrilled when a little one looked their way. The grocery store could be quite lucrative as well. It was pretty cute, funny and surprising to some folks when our kids went up to specifically say hello to them.  Oh yeah, another family member had to be a witness or you might get some tall tales (i.e. highly inflated numbers) on the way home from church. But the very best part is seeing your children’s glee in wrapping and stowing their little gifts under the tree, that they paid with from money they earned. And then the hopping back and forth from one foot to the other in anticipation of others’ opening their gifts. Is there anything more gratifying than seeing your child excited about giving and not just getting? It is certainly close to the top for me.

We did this for a number of years and without us really noticing, our children got more and more comfortable talking to adults and looking them in the eye when they spoke. Now maybe I just had gregarious children but I think this little game actually made a difference. The people who received these greetings from our children were so complimentary that a self-esteem boost was an added benefit. Bottom line: If there is a lesson you want to really sink in with your children, get creative and make it fun!