Crisis of Confidence

John graduated from nursing school (above); he is working in a hospital trauma unit AND he and Mica are due to have a baby December 28th!!

John graduated from nursing school (above); he is working in a hospital trauma unit AND he and Mica are due to have a baby December 28th!!

The term “crisis of confidence” has been swirling around in my head lately.  It seems that I’m kind of old for that. I mean, at 62, shouldn’t I know who I am, feel secure in my decisions, know that the important thing is that God loves me?  But somehow, I seem to be second guessing myself more than ever.

Maybe it is because I am in this stage where who I am is not clearly defined. You’re a child, then a teenager, then a college student, then you are defined by your work perhaps or maybe your role as wife and mother. I got married at 25, had four sons over the course of the next 10 years and then spent the next 18 raising them until William went to college. I liked being a mom and I think I was pretty good at it.  I even extended my mothering for four more years when our niece, Olivia, came to live with us. That is 32 years of feeling totally secure in my role and confident that I was doing a good job.  Sure, I am still a mother, but we all know that once they are out of the nest, it is different – as it should be!

So why now? While it is fun being a grandmother, it is not a day-in, day-out role for me. My sons need me as a phone buddy when they are on the way somewhere. I am working hard at being an awesome mother-in-law but that is fraught with peril (ok, a little exaggeration) – no offense to my incredible, delightful, smart and thoughtful daughters-in-law.  A good friend, who is the mother of one son, told me to get used to being on the B Team as a mother-in-law. I’m not the best at being on the B Team – I feel like Jay and I were Co-Captains of the A Team for so long – so much testosterone – this new placement is kind of hard!

I need to stop whining and see that this is one great life I have and although it is changing every day and my role changes daily as well, that every stage is interesting and different and good. And the self-confidence thing? Well, I am just going to have to do my best and decide that that is good enough. And maybe not take everything so personally. I am reading Wild and Free (again), by Jess Connolly and Hayley Morgan with a group of ladies and that is their message. Be Wild and Free as God’s daughter. Let go of your defense mechanisms, unfurl your heart to Him, allow Him to calm your fears and anxieties and in fact, just give them over to Him and let Him handle it.

As we approach the wild and wonderful holiday season, I encourage you to take time for yourself. Get a cup of tea, find a quiet corner, silence your phone and just BE for a little while each day.

YOU mean more to me...

Our precious little, smiling boy.

Our precious little, smiling boy.

Hello friends.  I have been waiting for the mood to hit me with something important to say – but I decided if I wait, I may never write again (!) so I’m just going for it.  Our summer was a little nutty.  We now have a beautiful, adorable 3-month-old grandson. He lives far away so we don’t get to see him enough but his Mom is so great about posting pictures every day, on a terrific app called Tiny Beans, that I feel like I get to see all his little changes.  Then we had to cancel a wedding that was supposed to happen last month in Sarasota, due to the dratted Zika mosquito!  Those two have been great sports, dropping back to a Plan B.  And another of our sons became engaged – wow!!  I’m so incredibly blessed to have these great women added to our boy-centered family (Grandson #2 is due at Christmas-time!). Update is now finished.

So, here is what is on my mind – oftentimes, church just doesn’t really do it for me.  I feel like I might love the music at one church, then at another church I really connect with the message, and yet another might be all about being in a beautiful space that feels holy or has moving, historical, familiar liturgy and ceremony. And this doesn’t even get into the other folks going to the church which possibly makes the biggest difference of all.

But get all of that together under one roof? Not going to happen – at least it hasn’t for me. No offense to the rectors/pastors of the churches I’ve attended – I know it is really tough to make everyone happy.

This brings me to this amazing sermon I heard/saw on video this summer.  Andy Stanley, of North Point Church outside of Atlanta, just crushes it when it comes to getting to the crux of an issue and relating it in terms that are so engaging that my mind rarely wanders to where we should go for lunch or what I need to do when I get home. This particular sermon was in Andy's Why? series and I will try to give you the basics but I really recommend you go watch it for yourself in its entirety.  I heard this in July and I can’t stop thinking about it and talking about it. Jay has even told me I’m not explaining it well enough for people to “get” it (haha).  http://whyseries.org/putting-religion-in-its-place session #4.

So here goes. Andy suggests that one of the big reasons Jesus came to us was to put “religion in its place.”  What place is that you ask?  Well, the religious leaders of the time definitely thought religion was first and foremost. They believed that one had to follow a million rules to please God – which just happened to fill these leaders’ pockets. The current train of thought was that some were pleasing God - with their lifestyle, with their tithing, for the sacrifices they were making -and others were definitely not what they would call worthy of the love of God.  Jesus was an expert at showing us rather than just telling us how to live.  Through Jesus, we saw, over and over again, that it is relationships that are important; love is what is crucial; caring for others is what is paramount- in God’s eyes. So, religion, in itself comes in a distant second. 

Here is the line of Andy’s that keeps resounding in my mind:

YOU are more important to me than my VIEWS.

His follow-up:  Don’t allow a VIEW to supersede YOU.

So, yes, I have opinions, convictions, strong beliefs, about my faith and everything else, but I care MORE about people and my relationships than all of that put together.

Right now, I think this idea is especially apropos. I’m sure you would all agree that the political situation with the Presidential race borders on totally absurd.  Our sons have been especially vocal (yet respectful) with us and I appreciate hearing their opinions. Their thoughts may change my mind or they may not, but those are opinions not relationships! I would never want an opinion of mine to trump my feelings about a person - especially one of my children.  

During this ridiculously busy season, try to remember what Andy said and listen and love those around you. I am going to try, too.

So that’s it. I’m going to post this before I change my mind.

Happy November!

HAPPY FOURTH!!

Happy Fourth of July!

What a great holiday. No presents to buy and wrap, no big meal for which you need to make every member of the family’s favorite dish, and no pressure to drink green beer.  Just the perfect time to gather with friends and family over the grill and corn on the cob. And then….if you’re lucky….you get to see colorful starbursts light up the sky.

I don’t want you to waste a minute away from your holiday activities reading this blog post so I will get right to it. This is the easiest, yet quite delicious and seasonal, dessert you will ever make and most of the ingredients are probably already on your pantry shelf.

Laura’s Super Easy Blueberry Cobbler

2 pints fresh blueberries

1 tablespoon lemon juice

1 cup flour

1 cup sugar

1 teaspoon baking powder

1 egg, beaten

6 tablespoons melted butter

1 tablespoon light brown sugar

¼ teaspoon cinnamon

·        Sprinkle the blueberries with the lemon juice in a 6x10-inch baking dish.

·        Mix the flour, sugar, baking powder and egg (not the butter yet) with a fork in a bowl until crumbly; mixture may be lumpy. Sprinkle over the blueberries; drizzle with the butter. Sprinkle the top with a mixture of the brown sugar and cinnamon.

·        Bake in preheated 350 degree oven for 35-40 minutes or just until golden brown. It’s important to let it cool! The sauce will thicken as the cobbler cools.

·        Serve with vanilla ice cream, light cream or heavy cream whipped with a little confectioner’s sugar.

Serves 8 with a prep time of 50 minutes.

From one of my very favorite cookbooks:

Click the pic to link to amazon

Click the pic to link to amazon

TRUE GRITS: Tall Tales and Recipes from the New South

Enjoy this sweet confection and thank God you were born in this amazing country! 

SUMMERTIME

Edward and William look like they are posing for mug shots - with bubbles!

Edward and William look like they are posing for mug shots - with bubbles!

It’s that time of year. You are either jumping for joy that you can have lazy days with your kids and not worry about spelling words, times tables and homework - or – you are gripped with dread at how you can possibly entertain your little ones for 90 days! Probably a bit of both.

I was talking to an adorable 8-year-old (almost 9!) last Saturday and asked her what she was going to do this summer. She said one word. Swim. I asked what else she might do. Her answer: swim. I asked her what she might do after swimming. She was unwavering. “Swim.”   We moved to Florida at the beginning of June 1987. John was 5, Philip 3 and Edward 2. I had absolutely insisted we purchase a house without a pool. None of the boys knew how to swim and I was petrified of having a big body of water right there in my own backyard. If you don’t live in Florida, you may not know that many homes have their own pool. It is almost hard to find one that doesn’t but per my instructions, we did.  So, there we were, three little boys, in 100 degree weather, no friends, no way to cool off, nothing to do but unpack boxes and eat ice cream. The beach you say? Yes, we did a fair amount of that – but those ages at the beach isn’t the best either – by the time we had schlepped everything to the water’s edge, not letting anyone wander off, slathered everyone with sunscreen, wrestled six little arms into swimmies, Edward would start eating sand while John wanted to jump the waves. About 15 minutes later, someone would need to go to the bathroom – not the kind you can do in an ocean wave. Or someone is hungry or someone is too hot….I am starting to whine just thinking about it.

OK, I needed a plan to survive this summer in my new home. First things first – Miss Pat was who “everyone” took their kids to for swimming lessons- sign all three boys up – check. Next, I picked up the yellow pages (B.G. – before Google) and looked for some place to go - with a pool! I found a little bath and racket club where we could swim, John could take tennis lessons and we could even get a sandwich and cold drink. Check. Vacation Bible School is God’s gift to Moms with little ones. What a great way to check out different church communities and it is usually free or really cheap. You might have to volunteer one day but even that turns out to be fun. And here’s a little secret – you can go to more than one! Every church is thrilled to welcome a possible new member.

For the Crouse boys, summer was also about day camp. What a great concept camp is! The kids meet and play with other kids. Someone else is applying sunscreen for a few hours. The kids are happy and come home ready for a nap. John’s day camp was even at his school, so he made some lifelong friends the summer he was 5. And so did I! Hanging out with other Moms and their kids can pass a summer afternoon in the nicest possible way.

Something else we did that people think is kind of weird is change rooms around. We had three bedrooms for the four boys for a long time (before we changed a sleeping porch into another little bedroom) so two had to share and they thought it was fun to either get a room to themselves for a year or to move in with a “new” brother. So, at the beginning of summer, we would spend a day gathering clothes (pulling things out for Goodwill as we went), trophies and boy junk and move it across the hall. Who doesn’t love a fresh perspective once in a while? We did this every year until the boys started decorating their own rooms with posters and such. We laugh because William had his walls so decorated with concert ticket stubs and photos that he wouldn’t let me change his planet wallpaper until he went to college.

So, you’re flat out exhausted, can’t think of a single new idea to keep the troops entertained – ok - next time you are at the dollar store, pick up some little cans of shaving cream. We were lucky to have kids of the same gender so I would pile them into the bathtub together. Bubbles are probably enough but shaving cream can be extra fun. Of course, don’t leave them in there alone but you can get a comfy stool and laugh at their antics while the time passes. Shaving cream and a hose in the backyard can be a blast as well. In fact, our boys loved playing with shaving cream so much that I gave little cans of it as a birthday party favor one time. Other moms must have thought I was nuts!

As the kids get older, I think summer becomes easier. One of my favorite summer tricks was 2 to 1 reading time. If your kids love to read, consider yourself a successful mother. Only one out of four of ours kept his nose in a book. So, we set up a program where reading was required for TV time. You had to read twice as long – for instance, an hour of reading would earn you a half hour of TV time. And during that reading time, do not do the laundry or breakfast dishes! Find a nice cool spot, sit down, put in your earbuds for some of your favorite music and maybe even close your eyes for a few minutes.  And think of how awesome it is to be a Mom to those great kids and be thankful.

Bottom line: summer can seem long and sometimes tedious but you can be making memories of fun times that your kids will talk about for the rest of their lives.

 

MOVING

Our new place with our crazy red ceiling.

Our new place with our crazy red ceiling.

If you’re settled into your home and are not moving out unless it is in a pine box, skip reading this one. For others, let’s talk about the topic of MOVING. Ugh. The reason I dropped off the grid is that I participated in three moves over the last month or so. I want to take a sec (before I go organize my closet) and tell you what I’ve learned.

Some of you probably love to move, picking paint colors, buying some fresh furniture, having something “new” to decorate – I am not one of those. When I think of moving, I think of packing and unpacking a million boxes, a dozen trips to Goodwill, and throwing broken things into hastily found dumpsters in the middle of the night (so I won’t get caught). I do like the feeling of getting organized on the other end but we will get to that.

Move 1: Jay and I moved from a tiny apartment to a slightly (only slightly!) larger condo here in Charleston. We moved a short two blocks away but when it comes to moving, the distance makes no difference. It could have been California instead of around the corner. My first and most important advice is to bite the bullet and hire movers. I guarantee it is worth it. I know it is tempting to save that money to buy a new sofa and you almost believe your husband when he says he’ll get his buddies to help – no problem, but don’t do it! I planned to move all the little stuff myself since I was going to have a few weeks between closing and moving but plans changed and I ended up boxing everything up and having the movers take care of it.

Other advice from my move:

·        A two inch square paint sample is NOT going to give you a true sense of what the finished product will look like.  Recently, our youngest son called to lament, "I picked grey but my room looks blue!" To try paint colors before committing to a whole room, buy paint sample sizes which are about $4 each and get a 9x12 inch watercolor paper book from the art store. Paint the sheets with your sample colors. Then you can tape the sheets up to see if you like them. You can also move them to areas with different lighting, different rooms, etc.

·        Designate one tote bag for the most important stuff – chargers, medicines, laptop, your kids’ binkies and blankies, wallets, keys (to everything), your makeup bag, a brush. Keep it visible and with you at all times! I spent days looking for (you’re not going to believe this) my toothbrush – I used Jay’s – I know that sounds gross but we do kiss after all – kinda the same thing.

·        Make friends with your movers the minute they step in the door. Learn their names, ask their advice (do you think this chair will fit in that tiny room on the third floor?), give them cold drinks along the way, take pictures of them, tell them they are awesome, buy them lunch – trust me you will want to give them that big tip at the end of the day because they will be your pals by then.

Move 2: Moving Olivia out of her dorm room for the summer.

·        Find a storage place and rent a space. If it is too big for what you need, get your child’s roommate or another friend to go in on it.  If you live nearby, sure, you can schlep it all home, stuff all of it in your garage, give the bugs a happy new home for the summer and then schlep it all back but running stuff a mile to a storage facility and getting it locked up until move in day in August is sweet.

·        Olivia’s dorm room was smack in the middle of a looonng hallway. The thought of carrying all of that stuff all the way down and then quite a ways to our car (because every parent at the school had gotten there early to get the good, close spaces) was a daunting task. But guess what? We were on the ground floor and I realized someone had parked on the grass outside. No, I did not ask permission, and yes, the girls looked at me with fear and amazement in their eyes, but I just popped the screen out, told the girls to pull their cars up to the window  and proceeded to cut our moving time by hours as we started passing things right out the window. I told the girls to hustle because if maintenance came by, they might put a cramp in our style. Worked like a charm.

·        Don’t question what is being moved or saved – that tiny cactus in the itty bitty pot is important to your child for some reason, just go with it.

Move 3: I helped one of our sons and his wife get settled in their new apartment in Brooklyn. They went from a one bedroom, one bathroom, third floor walk-up to two bed, two bath, fourth floor with an elevator and a balcony! Yay! Since I was there for the settling in instead of the actual move (thank you, God), my tips have shifted a bit.

·        Have a well-stocked toolbox, which includes an electric drill with all possible drill bits, including the ones that make it into a screwdriver – some of you are probably scared to touch an electric drill but don’t be! It is so fun and handling a power tool just makes you feel powerful – no kidding. Seeing my daughter-in-law, 7 months pregnant, deftly wielding the power drill gave me such a sense of pride.

·        Measure every closet, wall and cabinet and and write it in a safe place, so when you head to IKEA or Bed, Bath and Beyond, you will know what will actually fit where. The three of us braved the rainy day, Brooklyn traffic to take the hour to go three miles on a Friday afternoon, only to find that we had actually left the little green book with all the measurements at home (I thought you got it? No, I thought you had it!) – no worries, we will eyeball it – which we managed to miraculously do pretty perfectly.

·        Take breaks. We encouraged our little Mama to get snacks, things to drink, jobs where she could sit often. At one point we even watched an episode of SNL in the middle of it all – so fun.

·        Our son and I even put up a new light fixture in the kitchen. AFTER TURNING OFF THE POWER AT THE SWITCH BOX, and quite a few youtube videos, we were delighted to see the light come on – we were holding our breath!

Final words: Take time to appreciate the progress you are making. Admire one another’s abilities and efforts. Try to have fun. Play music. Tell each other how much you love the new place! Go out for dinner.

p.s. My Brooklyn folks used a company called Gorilla Bin*, who, for $150, delivered 30 big plastic boxes with interlocking lids, which you use to pack all your stuff. They give you a week in your new place to unpack them, then they come pick them up. No cardboard boxes to deal with – better for the environment, WAY easier than all those boxes and tape, much safer for Aunt Myrna’s antique platter.

The fun Brooklyn purchase - astroturf on the balcony!*Gorilla Bin is only in NY but check out Bungo Box or just google "reusable moving boxes."

The fun Brooklyn purchase - astroturf on the balcony!

*Gorilla Bin is only in NY but check out Bungo Box or just google "reusable moving boxes."