THE LOOK

Having four sons, I could never know, for a fact, whether girls and boys are really so different.  I still maintain that they are quite unalike and now that I have had our niece, Olivia, live with us from 14 to 18, I at least know that teenaged boys and teenaged girls are TOTALLY different. 

But back up a bit…when Edward was 3 years old, we were hanging out on the cul-de-sac with a neighbor and her little girl, Heather, who was about 4 at the time. I pointed out a caterpillar and the four of us squatted down to observe this funny, little fuzzy creature. I was ready to turn this into the “butterfly talk” when Edward stood up and with all his might, stomped on the caterpillar, completely flattening the poor thing. He seemed quite proud that he had taken care of business but as you might imagine, Heather shrieked in horror and ran back to her house. Her mother scurried after her while giving me “the look” over her shoulder: how could you have ever raised a child that would act this way?!  I think the mother of boys is used to that look. You just have to see the humor. Take this away: Be confident in your mothering. Your child is unique and no one knows him/her better than you. Maybe just shrug with a smile at THE LOOK.

Edward is all grown up at 30 - his caterpillar squishing days are behind him.  Here he is with his lovely girlfriend, Marie.

Lonely, part 4

When I had John, there were about 20 babies under the age of one in our neighborhood – which was pretty cool. Someone decided we needed a baby-sitting co-op. It was a simple plan where we would babysit each other’s children, which would give us credits into the co-op and we could then spend the credits/hours on someone keeping our child. Someone acted as secretary to keep all the hours accounted for and the secretary would earn some extra babysitting credits. It was a great plan, except for one thing. I realized I really didn’t want another baby to watch. I love children, all children, I really do but changing the diapers of unrelated babies was just not my favorite thing to do. I loved being secretary and tried to do that as often as possible.

What I much preferred was a playgroup concept so that is what I joined. Six of us, with babies within six months of each other, got together one morning a week. We took turns being the hostess. All six Moms with babies would show up around 9 am and just sit around a coffee table or on the floor and drink coffee and eat coffee cake (store bought or a mix was fine) and just talk.  I’m sure we did talk about diapers but we also talked about everything else under the sun: politics, books, our husbands, jobs, etc. We would hang out until about noon or else rush home for naptime. This can work on a Saturday morning or a Sunday afternoon for working Moms. What I know is those women meant a lot to me – they got me through a lonely period.

Girlfriends, mothers, sisters are God’s angels when you are in the weeds.  Be sure to reach out when you need to. 

Lonely, part 3

You have just had a baby. You feel fat and exhausted. You can barely get through the day. But if you don’t talk to another grown-up, you might just go insane.  Time to exercise. I can hear groans from here and I feel much the same way when it comes to exercise. But exercising, while the baby is safely cared for in the nice clean nursery is another thing all together. I’ve found there are basically two different types of exercise people. Some can just walk, jog, run, do the treadmill, spin – these are the ones who live for Pure Barre. I am not one of those – in fact, my one and only Pure Barre experience may have scarred me for life.  Please just give me a class where I can focus on something besides my own body and I might be up for it.  I have found anything with a dance kind of aspect is for me. Jazzercise is super fun and has the added bonus of connecting you to semi-popular music. The clientele may be a little old though, depending on your whereabouts.  Zumba is really fun as well and might even make you feel like you are a little bit sexy (again). The YMCA is great in Sarasota but not good in Charleston, so check out what the Y has to offer in your town. Churches are great for offering exercise with childcare too.

Don’t worry about not knowing the steps, just stay in the back (so you don’t mix up those behind you) and just keep moving. Others love to feel they are in the know, so you will be making others feel good. The mirror – maybe you love what you see – if so, stand right up front and strut your stuff but if you are like me, just find a spot where you can pretty much be right behind someone and still see the instructor.  If all else fails, just don’t look! There are times that I have actually thought, “…after I lose a little weight, then, I will go to exercise class” – then I won’t be so self-conscious about my body.  What? Listen to yourself. That makes no sense. A great majority of grown-up females have had a baby so they know what you are going through and sympathize. I find that I am more likely to go to a class than I am to go work out solo.  And I am even more likely to go if I have a buddy so make a plan with a pal, a girl down the street you’ve been meaning to get to know, your sister, your mother even. Don’t know anyone? Find someone in your class, with a baby, and ask them to go to lunch. What to wear?  I don’t have cute exercise clothes. Well, I did have a cute leotard one time; it had a picture of a cheeseburger and French fries on the front (true story).  Sweatpants and t-shirts work just fine for me. Bottom line: Exercise + childcare  + people around  =  feeling a whole lot better.

Lonely, part 2

When John was 2, there came a knock at my door.  With a two-year-old and a new baby, I was totally in the weeds and I’m sure my house and I were looking like a mess.  My neighbor from two doors down and her adorable little daughter stood on my porch.  Jessica was also two and she was dressed as the cutest little ladybug you ever saw.  Carolyn, the Mom, looked at us in shock. “Aren’t we going to the Halloween party in the park?!” I had completely forgotten. Maybe our three-week-old, newborn, Philip, could go costume-less but not walking, talking John. How could Halloween have slipped my mind?! So, I grabbed an apron, a chef’s hat (have no idea where that came from but it was in the drawer!) and a sifter…voila, my little chef was ready to go. I could have begged off with no costume, no dinner on the stove, no plan (!), but instead, our little group walked to the park and enjoyed the festivities. Sometimes, you just have to do it – to be with people – to let go of appearing unprepared. The other mothers “get” it and the ones that don’t are not the ones you want to be friends with anyway.

Why am I so lonely?

Yeah, so, a lot of being with little ones is funny – the things they say, the things they do, but for Mom, it can be such a lonely time. I found it kind of strange that I could have these little boys using me as their human jungle gym all day long and still feel lonely but there you have it.  I was lonely for grown-up conversation; I was lonely for doing something that would really make a difference in the world; I was even lonely for alone time (is that even a thing?).  I know raising kids is the biggest difference you could ever make in the world but it just doesn’t seem like that day to day when the best you can do is keep the baby in a fresh diaper and quickly stick the breakfast dishes in the dishwasher before your husband walks in the door at 6:00.

When there was just one baby boy in the Crouse house (John), I would strap on my blue seersucker snugli and zip my little four-month-old in and head out for the day. If I stayed home, I just felt guilty for not cleaning or doing laundry and the hours were absolutely endless. Of course, John had to be transferred in and out of the carseat/snuggli as the day progressed but that was OK because it took up time.  I had desperately wanted to have a baby, so on top of loneliness, I felt guilty that I was not cherishing every moment with my little miracle of God – I was so worried that I would never really enjoy this mothering thing.  

One day, I went to visit my mother. We were living in Atlanta at the time, where I had grown up. Mama was not the making-cookies kind of Grandma. She was a powerhouse real estate agent, never met a stranger, busy and awesome type but babies were not her thing. I complained about feeling lonely and she said, “Isn’t there some kind of nursery school you could take John to?” At first, I was horrified at the thought. I was the earth mother; I had done Lamaze classes for heaven’s sake; I was considering homeschooling! Wouldn’t finding a “nursery school” for my little teeny baby mean I was a bad mother?? But maybe…..  So, I wish I could’ve googled it but back then I had to sit down with the big, thick, Atlanta yellow pages.  I made some calls.  I found some random church I had never heard of and called. Yes (!) they had a Mother’s Morning Out (so nice sounding, other mothers needed this too!) and they could take John for four hours once a week.  The mere thought allowed me to breathe again.

If you are feeling sad and lonely, yet super thankful to God for this precious little being He has given you, you are not alone at all.  There are tons of Moms feeling the same way. I have some other ways to keep the loneliness at bay but I’ve kept you long enough today. 

p.s. they still make snuglis (!) – but alas blue seersucker is a thing of the pas